My Story

Fragments of What Remains

My Story

Unlike many of you, I did not experience wonderful childhood my biological mother never should have been a mother to anyone including me. I thanked it for giving me life (PERIOD)

As young lad had things I could do and have fun but when it was behind closed doors and my Father was away ridding the Earth of pure evil, a lot of time I was left alone with her and my younger sister. It had divorced my Father when I was very young and that is when things became intense, I would feel many times when I was around it. As if I am walking on thin glass that could shatter at any moment the Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde affect myself as well because of it I to experience being sexually abuse first time this happen to me I was 10 iconic thing is my own abuser saw more as human being then “IT ” did ……. How Fucked Up is THAT!. So like many victims you have 2 responses Fight /Flight being who my Father is and quality of character he bestow in me guess what my response was? F I G H T as I got older IT told me that my Father was dead and IT hated seeing me every day despises me because I was my Father’s son. I was 16 last time I saw him and over and over IT would say to me he’s dead and I am glad I believe none of “IT’s” lies I knew someday we would be reunited. Because of all the lies she would tell others about me, she had me taken to a horrific place rip out of school and taken away from everything that had foundation. The things I endured in there no one should have to ever….! There was a lot times I be left in the care of strangers so IT could further vast desires and selfish needs to ascertain riches and wealth. IT would always bring different men home every week some were nice and would bring my sister and I things others were unbearable. Well, I was at that place and be forced to participate in sessions when would tell them she tried kill me many times and thought it was entertaining see me being terrified and scared throwing steak knives at my feet. They would think I was telling stories that is how wrapped and manipulative she had them fooled, when I was 19 I thought once I had a chance to leave the War Zone” the nightmares would stop because after I had been through survive my ordeal of multiple events of physical and sexual abuse.

I vowed would never be anyone’s victim again” so would immersed myself into martial arts and sports I started when I was 10″ first discipline I learned was Krav Maga be active was my way of escaping and release. Because I didn’t let things phase me or affect me Pandora’s Box has come back with vengeance. I have had no communication with ” IT ” since I was in my mid-twenties, but somehow it tries to affect my life with her toxins and asphyxiation of any purity of moments in my life with her decaying proverbial existence .

Some wounds never close always remain open , each Storm tries rip me apart into nothing soaking the toxic salt deeper there are days where it can be like I am drowning inside my mind were the beast wants to rip out of me cause mayhem and mass destruction.

(But I am still here)


25 thoughts on “Fragments of What Remains”

    1. The darkness became a solitude to me and means of protection. But there is only so many places you can hide in a basement .

      I thought many times I could try and scream and yell but knew I was all alone in silent terror and corrugated empty musky void to lash out and no one would ever fucking hear me.

      No one would’ve even knew I was gone or what I was enduring .

      The fixation of the immense rage projected at me from it was because how much I revealed like me Father.

      Which it haterd with passion

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Very true and experienced surrealist wickedness from others.

        Now there are many nights I get very little lay to rest.

        I am learning to adapt and cope but there is no one size fits all and I am too unstable for psychotherapy. Plus I cannot be hypnotized

        So I take it in strides day by day but riding the constant Roller Coaster there is no getting off this sadistic gruesome suka .


      2. Do you ever just to tap into praying for it to flood you and wah painful places clean? I do this and sometimes it helps when the torment rains down. I dont want to advise or step out of line by saying that though. Its just something Ive been trying lately 💖

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I can not ever truly know how this was for you but I wanted to let you know I read this and felt as much of that pain as I could as an outsider. I pray in life you will find kinder people who allow you to take your guard down once they prove to be safe. I am so sorry you endured such pain and such lack of tenderness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you it’s a lot to take in very morbid and surreal.

      When I did have a chance to take a risk asked for desperate help like my mate did.

      I was laughed and mocked at told to stop telling stories I was ten.

      That night I truly believed I was not going to see the sun rise again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Imagine being 10 or old lad

        And being mocked and laugh at told to stop telling stories.

        I was devastated beyond any measures of any sense of hope.

        As result never thought in million yrs would what was going on with me would be Complex C !

        That was a lot to take in and accept I endured this for 7 yrs 9-16 also believe that I went through Stockholm Syndrome as well.

        Talking about it helps knowing I am not alone helps but no matter there times where all I see is shadows passing me by.

        Even though I know how much I am loved and the strength I have from my pack.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes I had mention the Raven appear to me twice I do not know why or who it was perhaps it was my Father watching over me in my state of quick sand.

        In many cultures the Raven is seen as watchful Guardian. The Raven and Seamus aka Sae Sae were my only 2 friends that and soltiude from the solace the Darkness welcome me with open arms.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ive seen the Raven in the midst of visions too. One appeared the other weekend after I left a writers festival where men authors shared in the death of their fathers. I love that you said maybe it was the spirit if your father. You must love (and have loved) him so much.


      4. I do and it still gets to him when after all these yrs. 2014 was first time I seen my Father since I was sixteen. And it still gets to him “when I say that I always felt safe and protected when you were home from assignment “

        Liked by 1 person

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