My Story

My Story

I would like to start by introducing myself … Hi I am Alex 

Many have grown up with mesmerising moments from their childhood had two loving parents” I was not one of those:

starting from the aged of 9 until I was 16, I was subjected to horrific physical brutality from my biological mother whom we will refer to “it” 
They cast its level of hatred onto me because of how much I reminded it of my Father. When my Father was home, I never needed to fear or think I was walking on shattered glass.
I also understood what he was doing was rid of the world of Nemesis, so when he would leave on an assignment I been asked why I didn’t tell my Father? And I was told by “it” if I did she would inform his C.O that he was doing things to me” and in the Armed Forces that is a Death sentence. I would be left in clutches of Mommy dearest and its twisted sadistic desires and pleasures. Many times it would be an unbearable and fucking nightmare a lot where I endured was in what I called the “Basement of Secrets” I would be forcefully confined to a chair and whipped for hours with black licorice.

No one would ever hear me

There were times I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school because I would be healing from the beatings and welts. At a very young age, I learned and embrace the darkness as my numbing solace and was welcomed with open arms.
I had a mate of mine who’s alcoholic Father was abusing him physically I gave him pat on the back and he yelled ouch. had a massive bruise on his lower back…so I thought if they believe him, why not me?
So I reached out with desperation to be resurrected from that living hell and was laughed and mocked at because what I was telling them was so surreal.
Many mornings I would wake up having knives throwing at my feet or cans of frozen juice whipped at me to see my reflexes.
That night I strongly believe and cringed in paralysing fear that I would not see the Sunrise again. After being crushed and losing all hope, others would help me. I knew if I was going to survive this fucking living Hell it would be because of (ME)  
Ironic thing and fucked up one is the person who was sexually abusing me saw me more than a human being …I guess I choose the lesser of two evils.

So (THEM) that tried to break me, ripped me into never was ‘thought they could extinguish my Life ‘ 
Though fucking wrong yes you laid waste and wreak havoc all over my body and mind with scars even though I still breathe they have shattered me into pieces.
I was always taught by my Father that no matter what keep going but last December before Christmas I was not myself I would put on a smile and act like I was fine but far from it.
Never in million yrs did I think what was going on with me would this. I also didn’t know there was a more voracious and vicious bastard to P.T.S.D but I know now” I live with it every day, as a constant reminder by Roller Coaster I ride.

Thank you for listening to My Story if you know anyone that is struggling never let them think they are lashing out in silent terror. 

https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com

E.O.S

45 thoughts on “My Story”

  1. Awesome and good for you I am proud for you that you could pick yourself back up.

    defeat doesn’t define how you respond to adversity matters” Primal Repr

    I know counselling does help others so does CBT and EDMR

    As you know Candi as I do there is no one size fits all

    Alex

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Right,

    As I said as well ” Some wounds never close always remain open only the salt soaks deeper into your scorched tissue ” Primal Repr

    So when I hear others try tell me “that past is the past we all go through some shit ”

    Respectfully most have no FUCKING IDEA what they’re talking about!!!!

    Worst part and most surreal is because of the unspeakable suffering I was subjected to. Found out recently my hips never formed properly makes sense though.

    Worst part is when I go through fucked up night terrors I am not me now but 9 yr old version of myself isolated down in that fucking hell Basement of Secrets

    So you see why forgiveness is not something those that ripped the innocent of child away especially there is no fucking come back from. I don’t give a damn how much you think you can atone turnover stones.

    Primal Repr

    Like

    1. Thank you Candi

      I am not sure about you but I also went through Stockholm syndrome as well. And I have confronted my father for longest time I kept thinking he was ridding the world of evil and trying to make sense. When in fact he did chose to leave me with (IT) and needs to FUCKING OWN IT cannot tell me there was not red flags when he was home I would always stay close to him!!!! hint hint JESUS CHRIST

      And as you can see by now I do not water down my words and will never apologised for the Venom injected into them.

      I have called my father out for shaming me because he seems to think that my Complex C has to do with P.C.S when it doesn’t even if I didn’t have my condition doesn’t mean either my mind would fucking change on how I see things so piss off stupid Slang

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    2. Aye thanks I will reassure I will never bow out and surrender to the storm.

      Crude reality so many fail to see the Storm will teach you many things including to live and endure

      The only way to endure and learn is go through it but in some cases those create their own from their own hands.

      So don’t go looking to afflict onto others when it starts to pour” Primal Repr

      Like

  3. I could no longer eat because I didn’t want to let anything go into my mouth anymore. I couldn’t talk about this with anyone because the pain was blocking me. I drew a lot and communicated my pain but there was no teacher who could understand the monster in my drawings. I never knew who he was because my memory wrote his face. Maybe he was an uncle, a cousin, a friend of the family, I still don’t know who it was. My psychologist couldn’t hypnotize me because it was too risky for me, I could have an inner collapse. I currently suffer from distress attacks, anxiety and panic attacks. I have no friends and have had many bad relationships with boys and girls. Art was my only help because I was able to bring out the pain. But now this is no longer the case. I still paint but the pain doesn’t come out anymore and it’s destroying me. Every time I change places and I change people but the pain always remains. It’s like having hell in your guts. I take tranquilizers to be more serene. I have never taken psychiatric drugs. I should still be in therapy but often my transference is eroticized and therefore the therapy fails. Have you ever had psychotherapy sessions? Have you been helped by any psychologist?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow in my view don’t take meds they do more harm than good. Would loved to see some of your pieces.

      Yes I did go and see someone it was useless

      How long did you endure this hell for and was yours sexual or physical or both ?

      Hope I am not being depriving Amleta

      Slainte

      Alex

      Like

      1. It was physical and sexual. It was for many years but my mind don’t remember the exact year that this finished. My mind has tried to completely erase everything. my only memories are sensory, of smells, of taste and I give fleeting visions and terror in my nightmares.
        My pieces are here:
        https://amletaispainting.wordpress.com/

        Liked by 1 person

      2. First off Happy New Year to you Amleta

        Mine was physical as you read in my testament from My Story it started when I was 9 until I was 16, from my biological mother who I refer to as IT gave my sister and I life but that is fucking it!!!

        There things I cannot handle either make my stomach turned as I mention black licorice I also found out recently because of being in such mummified state sitting hrs tied to that goddam chair my hips didn’t developed form properly so now I need surgery.

        Doesn’t surprise me but it does make sense I too is also survivor of sexual abuse ironic that someone did things like that to me actually saw me more as human being than IT how fucked up is that !!!!

        I reminded IT constantly of my father and that drove pure hatred I would often asked what…did I do was so…wrong

        For me my restitution became the Darkness it moulded and forged me into who I am and very much apart of every aspect of me.

        It was welcoming solace to protect and comfort me I knew as long as I was in the shadows they couldn’t find me for play time but what I didn’t realised being 9 was there is only so many places you can hide in a Basement.

        So I am alive today because of me the fact I can awaken and breathe air into my lungs know I am alive when many have never had their screams of terror let alone their stories shared or told

        I fought with everything all my fucking will to stay alive and because of that I am” BECAUSE OF ME PERIOD

        I ‘ve come to terms that some of my rage and anger is projected at my father for choosing his military career over me instead of riddening the world of pure Nemesis Yes he choose to not protect me I was result of COLLATERL FUCKING DAMAGE!!! Now he needs to OWN IT.

        I am far far from okay but there only somethings you can learn through the storm it will teach you to live and endure

        Time heals fuck all

        So I take things in strides day by day been almost 3 years since I last saw my reflection in the mirror when will I see myself again no idea.

        But remember this ” Some wounds never close always remain open only the salt soaks deeper into your scorched tissues as reminder that you were inside the gates of Brimstone” ApeX

        Doesn’t what I have going on or have many storms I am waging night or day

        You need to talk or just vent anytime

        I am not ashamed that I was inside the belly of hell and have been shattered by it nor should you Amleta you Matter as I do…Never forget that !!!

        https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2021/01/01/shadows-of-the-broken

        luas dia I do thruas Amleta

        Slainte

        Alex

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  4. I have been abused since 4 years old when I was a child. It was very destructive to me. The artemi helped express all my pain but my past is not gone. So I understand your suffering. Sorry, can I ask if you are a girl or a boy? because my translator does not write only one genre but always changes and therefore I don’t understand well. sorry but I’m Italian.

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    1. That is okay and no worries I am man

      Thank you for sharing your story with me

      Some wounds never close always remain open only the salt soaks deep into your scorched tissue as reminder the Hell you endure was real” E.O.S

      Nollaig Shona Duit Amleta pretty name very different like my daughter’s

      Slainte

      Alex

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I have been writing lyrics since I was young one the ways It helped me escaped my fucked up sense of reality.

      Something’s you never lose gravity with there is always that abundance of correlation no matter the duration.

      Just like muscle memory

      Need to ask you something did you try to tell someone what you were going through?

      And how did rise above did you fight back or choose flight or freeze?

      For me so many run from the fear and shun Darkness it is what moulded became apart of me like welcoming solace. For as long as I was hidden in the abyss of the shadows,couldn’t be found, except there’s only so many places you can hide in a basement which I refer to the Basement of Secrets. But when you’re nine years old you don’t think that, you keep asking what did I do the was so wrong ?

      I looked forward to talking some more with you remember that despite all odds just like me you’re alive.

      Maybe not okay I know I am far from it and take things day by day but you matter and have value just like Me.

      Good night

      Alex

      Like

  5. I am really sorry about your childhood.
    I know from my experience that the past is history and cannot be changed. I have changed my life when changed the way of looking at myself. Accepting that I am not my scars and my past.
    With your courage of speaking out your scars, you make steps for letting the past go and living your life with love and gratitude.
    You can name yourself a villain, but in my opinion, there is a beautiful person underneath. Keep writing and be who you really are!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so touched reading this. You are a brave man! Despite all these you still stand! I’m proud of you. One thing we cannot undo is the past, our scars reminds us of the past. Since we can’t undo the past, you can “do” the future. The future is bright and the universe is ready to welcome (you); a HERO!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lady P but I am far far from hero ….Because I am REAL

      I am the villain through and through and I am not shame or deny this.

      Darkness so many run from is why I am alive it became a part of me forge me into what I needed to be to fight for every ounce of my fucking strength.

      Do I see others abandon me when they knew something was going on and the powers that be I try to get them to rescue me I was ridiculed and mocked at.

      So as I stated the Darkness lives within me and I embrace it in all aspects as it was my welcoming solace.

      Thank you for words of inspiration unlike many many never are heard or even their Stories told.

      Against all odds I can

      Slainte

      Alex

      Like

  7. Alex, I’m really sorry you went through that in your childhood. No one should have to go through that. You’ve endured a lot of pain and suffering. Please know that I’m here for you. May God bless you and bring you peace and healing, Andrea.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the continuous support and words of encouragement Andrea

      Same anytime you need a shoulder to lean on or someone to listen I am here no one should ever think they are alone and in quicksand.

      “The mind can be a place of amazement it can also be affliction of ensuffering ” E.O.S

      luas dia I do thuras

      Alex

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It is a lot to take in and come to the census of being submerged in the grey abyss.

      So many run from the darkness outta of fear for me it kept me fighting and alive welcome me with open arms into solace.

      I thought as long as the Dark shadow me I was safe only so many places you can hide in corrugated callus basement.

      In this case The Basement of Secrets where I thrashed into Hell and serve a purpose of sick ,sadistic amusement.

      Knowing I had 3 Responses Flight / Freeze /Fight guess one I choose…?

      No matter knowing would be recoil of loaded consequences for my retaliation but I didn’t fucking care wasn’t going to not fight for my will to survive.

      One thing that did happen to me.

      I was welcome by presence of Dark Guardian “Raven” I don’t know if it was someone watching over me through spirit like my Father when he was on assignment.

      https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/06/09/dark-guardian/

      Thank you Harley

      Guím Nollaig mhaith leat

      Alex

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      1. You are the kind of guy who is kryptonite to me. You’ve suffered, you’re kind of dark, and you have something to say.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am always the Villain

        Never the hero and reason why solely is because heroes are always seen without flaws I have many and scars as reminders from the Hell I endured .

        They say that time heals things that no more then mirage of fucking deception masquerading the gnawing truth of crude reality.

        The Storm teaches you to live and endured running it as many do only makes your infliction worst to get through the Storm you need to embrace it.

        I rather die standing go out fighting than be alive enslaved on shattered knees.

        Note: I am not good guy as I mention I am Villian I will always give my all to my pack as Alpha does if needed sacrifice myself to defend and protect them in life or ultimately in death.

        Merry Christmas Harley

        Alex

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  8. Your past is horrifying. I wish I had been there and had been able to stand up to it on your behalf. I definitely would have.

    But your future. You deserve more light, even if the darkness comforts you. You deserve to be seen and your scars acknowledged. You deserve a hope that you can leave the past behind and make a life for yourself that makes your heart sing.

    Only then will you really be able to take away the power of your abusers. Rise up, in spite of them. You are magnificent.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Kim

      I will never forget get my enduring, horrific past as I wear the scars every day as reminder from the Hell I was subjected to.

      It is very hard for others to hear “Try being me and having reached out for desperate rescue only to be mocked and laugh at told to stop telling stories ”

      So I thank you for words encouragement and learning to take things in strive.

      Day by day as each Storm forms the only way through the Storm is going through them.

      And as far as The Darkness goes it lives within me has for very long and big impact on me and why I am here today.

      So you see why I will never allow myself to be enslaved on my knees ever again and the only way for me to go out only in my last breath. To go out standing and fighting live or die I will always live by my own terms and testament.

      Slainte

      Alex

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But don’t forget…the thing about storms is that if you get through them, you usually get to the sunshine. The only ones who stay in them are generally lost.

        I know that inner toughness has kept you here (I don’t see it as darkness as you do), and for that I am grateful. I guess I feel that if you let that darkness control you, you’ll never be able to dance in the light.

        Is being enslaved the worse thing in life? Not if you have a kind and benevolent master. You just didn’t….you were in bondage to damaged people who didn’t deserve to have a boy like you. To expend so much energy avoiding bondage seems futile to me and actually means you are bound to them forever.

        I feel that perhaps you don’t let yourself enjoy life much, even today. You had a crappy childhood. You can make try to give yourself some new memories that will take you back to what it should have been. Surround yourself with people of light who can give you some of what you should have had, but missed. You need people around you who love you. Who encourage you to view the world with wonder and excitement. Who fight for you and not against you. Who teach you to play for the sake of playing….not for the sake of winning. Who are people of integrity and truth. Not perfect people, because none of us are that, but good people. Because there are lots of good people who will understand your need for freedom, but will also be your loyal tribe. That’s bondage of a type, but beautiful bondage. Bondage that sees the light.

        I hope the name of your blog comes true and you evolve into a person who finds real joy. You could do so much to bring good to the world, and help other kids from being in the same situation you were. You could be the person who believes them and helps other adults see them and believe them. You can’t do that, though, if you are mired in dark emotion. You need to release the power those people still have over you. Please try to find help to work through it.

        I believe I can feel the person you are underneath those scars….and I like him. I hope you like him, too.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks Kim and I do have my pack together with them there is nothing that will stop me.

        Even though my cards have changed my course of direction I never known how to quit or surrender no matter what.

        Something my father taught me at young age your never outta the fight unless you want to be.

        And to say shitty childhood is underestimate going with food or being abandoned by your parents that is a shitty childhood. What I endured and was subjected to was walking through the gates of fucking hell and do everything I could to fight for my life and existence.

        I do experience joyful moments and grateful when I can because I know what the Roller Coaster Affect has in store for me.

        It’s still a lot to soak in and I am learning how to cope and adapt but there is no cure nor is there one size fits all mentality.

        I blessed and grateful each time I am able to open my eyes and see the world that surrounds me and take breath into my lungs.

        I will never stop being true to the RAW Me …no matter what. I matter as you and everyone else does.

        Nothing worth value or having merit is ever given in many aspects just like Life I went through Hell for many yrs. To fight for mine why…because I choose that I wasn’t going to be the end to wicked deeds and my story would be heard.

        No matter what they (IT) would never fucking silence Me ..ever.

        Alex

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      3. This makes me smile and feel a bit better for you. I’m glad you have your pack. I hope they love you well.

        The sentence “I blessed and grateful each time I am able to open my eyes and see the world that surrounds me and take breath into my lungs.” means you welcome the light of a new day. You earned these days. Or maybe i’ve if us ever earn them..they are simply a gift. Keep savoring them.

        You were tortured, plain and simple. For it to be by adults who should have given you love and security is especially heinous. I’ve worked as a housemother in a children’s home, so unfortunately I heard too many stories from kids who were abused and tended the scars. I promise you I believed them. (Well, I believed them about the abuse. They would lie to me about other things regularly. I’d catch them in the lie….well, not always the girls, but always the boys…and there would be consequences.) They did grow to trust me, though. I loved them.

        You should not be silent. You have quite a story. Write it out.

        Keep checking in with me and let me know how you are doing. Consider me one of the pack who will be cheering you on. Praying that you find a lot of good ahead in your life. The past cannot be changed, but as I believe you know and accept, your future is your own. You may want to stay in darkness, but I’m hoping you’ll be gleaming in the light.

        Kim

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thanks Kim

        You may see yourself as passive but I see you are much more and there is a Warrior inside of you waiting for the fire to coming out bursts into endless force.

        Give yourself some credit as well Kim you have a voice and empowerment inside too.

        luas dia I do thuras Kim

        Alex

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      5. I’m not passive in the least. I’m a pacifist. Very different. I’d rather resolve conflict with anything other than fighting. I am enough of a realist to know it can’t always be done, but enough of an idealist to believe it can be done most of the time.

        And there is definitely a warrior inside of me. I am a woman who fights for justice and freedom. But I am also someone who lives in peace….and I want that for others.

        Two quotes I just read in an article someone else wrote that I wanted to share with you.

        “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
        ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D.

        “Freedom is not about the size of your cage, or the power of your wings, or the non attachment to a person or a thing. Freedom is about being so truly, deeply and madly attached to your own soul that you can’t bear — if only for a moment — a life that doesn’t honor it.” — Andrea Bolt

        Godspeed in your journey, too!

        Kim

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I am taking it Day by Day last 2 weeks of being a fucking nightmare.

        Very Unbearable and the level of intensity is brutal I am hoping this regiment will help me lessen the severity.

        I enjoy watching the snow and going for my midnight strolls seeing everything painted in white crystals brings a sense of calming peace to me.

        I hope all is well with you Kim Merry Christmas to you and your family.

        Nollaig Shona luas dia I do thruas

        Alex

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      7. It’s not unbearable….you’re getting through it. It’s difficult, as life is always going to be from time to time. What can you do to make it better? The midnight strolls in the snow sound gorgeous and a great way to absorb some pure good. As you’re feeling that peace, pause and breaths in and let it penetrate. Try to release the negative and throw it back into the previous day. Go forward carrying nothing from the past but the good things that revive your soul.

        Speaking of Christmas, are you doing anything to celebrate? When I’m going through a bad time I try to make sure I’m doing something for someone who’s got it worse than me. For example, I’ve been out of work since January, but at least I’m really healthy. I have been donating platelets for cancer patients at least once a month. When we face things that can weigh us down, if we find someone who has it worse than us (and there always is someone) helping them is a good reminder that we have a good purpose and are not going to squander it consumed by things we cannot control.

        Day by day, moment by moment even, is the best way to go through life. It sounds like you’ve got the night stress reducer down. What can you do about the things weighing you down during the day? You have the power to make it better….no matter how bad it is. You’re a deep thinker. Let the brooding go and get out of the dark and become light.

        Wishing you peace for the night and the morning and praying you can’t escape it even if you want to. There’s a good man there that’s getting prepared to do some good things and rise above his raising. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Yes for me one of the best and purest moments is sitting around hearing the Fire crackle with scents of roasting orange peel.

        Drinking Dark Hot Chocolate with vanllia pumpkin spice.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Yeah I make my own homemade

        Also loved to roast chestnuts on the fire as well. It’s ironic Kim my element is water the source which gives LIFE. But I am so mesmerized by Fire it brings a calming, peace over me.

        Like

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